Men do not understand women. That’s a given. Narrowing this topic down to just 5 things is practically impossible, but for the sake of brevity, and my own sanity, I have whittled it down to some of the most contentious. I give them to you in the hope that you will realize that we will never be able to come to terms with them… speaking or otherwise.

1. Dieting

Men stopped thinking about diet when they told us in school about the five food groups. It is for this reason that we consider pizza to be one of the healthiest foods on the planet. It’s got all of them, so it’s a well-balanced meal. Of course, men would also argue vociferously that beer is the sixth food group. Low GI, cut out the carbs, Atkins, celery? You may as well attempt to explain Einstein’s Special Theory of Relativity. All we know is that refusing to eat a double cheeseburger because you’re on a diet is worse than blasphemy.

2. Bitchiness

Why do women hate each other so much? When a woman walks into a room filled with other women, there’s a very noticeable up-down evaluation. You’re not even sneaky about it. We can see it plain as day. Even worse is the more obvious turning to the girlfriend next to you and making some bitchy remark about her choice of eye shadow. What’s that all about? A man walks into a room filled with other men? Nothing… nobody turns, nobody evaluates. It’s just another dude.

3. Fashion

Okay, I admit, the fashion beast has dug its claws into us and we’re a simpering bunch of metrosexuals, but we will never, ever, take it to the professional level that women do. Shoes? Enough said. And I personally pin the blame for the whole pink shirt for men thing on women. Telling us it looked cool and showed that we were comfortable with our masculinity, but all the while sniggering behind our salmon-covered backs.

4. Hormones

Puberty was a while back for most of us and we didn’t like it. As soon as our voices broke we swore baritone oaths that we would never deal with hormones ever again. As luck would have it, we have to deal with them regularly if we are in a relationship. Once a month in fact. Like clockwork. We are total amateurs and, frankly, a little scared. As thoughtful and understanding as you expect us to be during these trying times, please be reciprocal in our clueless plight.

5. Does my bum look big in this?

Stop right there young lady! Do not ever torture your man with this insane question. There is no correct answer. Even if there were one, you wouldn’t believe it. In the realm of relationships, this question is basically a declaration of war on a poorly armed, third world nation. It literally turns our brains to jelly. Well… a jellier kind of jelly than brain material already is.

Of course, I could go on, but I’m already feeling a bit woozy just trying to explain these few conundrums. Understand that we will never understand. And please, try not rope us into discussing any of the above, because it makes us feel funny. You know that feeling when we start prattling on about how Juan Sebastián Verón transferring to Man U was about as effective as 15 inch rims on a Lambo? That feeling.