So you’re lounging on the couch at the better-half’s pad waiting for her to dolly herself up for a night out. We’ve all been there. Hopefully she’s kind enough to offer you a beer and switch on the sports channel while you endure this tradition. So you’re happily sipping the amber nectar, watching the day’s highlights, when in she swans. You give her the once over, down the last few sips and pick up your car keys. Dingdingding! Okay, first faux pas my china. This is where it gets complicated, so pay attention. Your first and immediate reaction should be: “Wow babe, you look gorgeous tonight!” Those six words will save your hind most times. Try alternating with hair and shoes and you’ll score even more points. Add something like: “I can’t wait to tear that off you later!” and, well, your statement will come true. These compliments should be your mantra, my man. We all get sloppy at times though, so lift your game. The reason being that if you manage to keep your girlfriend’s confidence way up there and totally gobsmack her with a compliment right away, you will avoid a phrase that strikes fear into the heart of any man.

If you just glance in her direction and go: “You look nice tonight” or “You look pretty” (Dude, never ever refer to her as pretty. Her grandmother used to pinch her cheek and tell her that. Nice and pretty should be banned from your vocabulary. Replace with stunning, gorgeous, beautiful, sexy), you may end up having to face this question: “Does my bum look big in this?”

Male brain: Houston. We have a problem.

A big, hairy, mean mutha of a problem. Especially if she’s already cornered you by following it with: “Come on, be honest. I always want you to be honest with me, and you must tell me if you don’t like the way I look or if my bum looks big in something. I would hate to go out in something that made my bum look big.” Honesty. It’ll screw you every time. Especially if you try and cushion the blow. “Nah babe, your bum looks okay, but I think those Guess jeans look better.”

Male brain: @#$%

So how to answer? It’s difficult. If you have a babe with an ass that fills hospitals with whiplash victims, you’re still in the dwang. Every woman I know does not like their bum. That’s why I buy that toilet paper that says “Love your bum” Hopefully the positive message will rub off… er… so to speak. Your best course of action here is to change sides. By that I mean the only way to survive is to think like a girl. Don’t try and get clever and say something like: “Darling, that mauve does nothing for you, you should never wear mauve.” Just try and sound like you know what you’re talking about. Don’t splutter a defensive answer right off. Take your time. Look at her intently. Ask her to walk away from you and turn around. Then stroke your chin and smile. Okay, don’t over do it now and say: “Daaaaamn, but I would certainly hit that!” Rather go: “Baby, I think what you’re wearing compliments your bum perfectly.” Nice and easy does it. You can’t over do it, or she’ll know you’re lying. You can’t under do it or she’ll freak. Tough, tough call, but hang in there. Pros will get to the point where they can add in the heels for instance and say: “Baby, I think what you’re wearing compliments your bum perfectly. Especially those heels. They accentuate (okay, maybe not such a big word for her usually single syllable man)… They make your calves look more defined too.” That’s right. Now you’ve moved attention away from the contentious derriere and made her go: “Hmmm, he’s right, they do make my calves look great.” Insider secret: a woman’s calves are probably the only part of her body she doesn’t have an issue with... er okay, scratch that… has less of an issue with. Of course, don’t forget that crucial word ‘more’ before the defined, or you’ll get: “What do you mean? You think my calves aren’t usually defined?” and she’ll stomp off down the passage in a huff.

Of course, it’s never that easy though innit? All women are different. You can never apply a blanket recipe to avoid disaster. Remember your Scout’s Motto: Be prepared. Before you get there be prepared for the question. This means you won’t be blind-sided, step onto the defensive back foot, and splutter out some idiotic nonsense like: “But baby I’m biased, I love your bum in everything” because she’ll whip straight back and say: “You haven’t answered my question! Does my bum look big in this?” and you’ll be blinking like a deer in the headlights.