The Facebook Status Update

By CATTLEPROD on 3:07 AM

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Inspired by The Fay Rays latest song - Social Network Greed

Voyeuristic Doom!

Facebook status updates are somewhat of a 2.0 cultural phenomenon. So much so that the latest rage on the interpipe is now Twitter - a site dedicated to status updates alone. It's a veritable voyeuristic orgy out there in cyberland. If anything though, having 24/7 access to thousands of people's daily thoughts and actions can induce a serious lack of faith in humanity.




Let's analyse some of the main culprits in terms of Facebook status updates that truly worship at the altar of inanity. I'll insert a caveat here though and confess that I'm also guilty of some of these.

1. The "I cant spel good" status update

Passing high school English seems to be much easier than I remember. I'm a self-confessed Grammar and Spelling Nazi. Never before has a language been raped and pillaged to such an extent that it is rendered almost totally incomprehensible. "This Man U suporters are gonna loose there minds after Barca did win the titel."





2. The "lyrics" update

I'm a sensitive, melancholic deep thinker and these "The Bloodhound Gang" lyrics really espouse everything for which I stand and hold dear to my heart. Or simply, I can't be bothered to think for myself, so I've just copied and pasted some crappy song lyrics that have been stuck in my head since I showered this morning.

3. The "philosophical quote" update

Pretty similar to the above, but masked with even more self-absorbed esotericism. Buddha, Kahlil Gibran, Einstein, Eminem... Any profound statement from a "wise" philosopher is quoted in an attempt to make the poster seem equally as intellectual. However, consolidated together and then distilled, you'll find practically ALL of these wise thoughts are just jumbled, rehashed bullshit that translates to "Don't worry, be happy." You can kill both No. 2 and No. 3 by posting just that... um, which I have actually done before.

4. The "O me miserum" update

One of my pet hates is the flagrant attention whoring of the sympathy-seeking kind. "So-and-so is utterly gutted. My heart has been ripped from my chest. I don't know how I'm going to survive". There's only one response to these sad sacks: HTFU or Harden The Fuck Up!

5. The "please inquire within" update

This is a similar type of attention whoring. The cryptic update dripping in innuendo that practically begs you to send a message or post a question mark. That's fantastic, but WTF are you actually talking about? Pray tell!!!!

6. The "spam" update

Reposted every 2 minutes this update advertises the person's latest attempt at fleeting fame (or infamy), or the "fame by proxy" where they are saying they just know the person at this event or in that ad or magazine article etc.

7. The "please vote for me" update

Online voting campaigns are nothing but some marketer's attempt at fudging up his hit counts to sell more ads. They're all rigged. Nevertheless, hordes of wanna-be Paris Hiltons and up-and-coming attention whores (both male and female) fall for it every time and become pretty little pawns in a jaded marketing scheme.

8. The "ellipsis" update

"..." WTF is that? Why even bother? Wow! Truly inspiring update that. Congratulations.

9. The "literal" update

"What's on your mind?" or "What are you doing now?" Listen, nobody gives a fuck if you're eating a peanut butter and banana sandwich at 10h00 in the morning. Or that you're sitting in the queue at SARS and you're bored. STFU!




10. The "rickroll"update

Ok, I've done it before. And it's still mildly amusing, but it's getting a bit dated now. Let's move on to something funnier. Here's a list of the latest in funny interpipe memes.

11. The "new love" update

OMG I'm so in love and I'm making public declarations on Facebook. While sweet, everyone else just starts the countdown clock to the inevitable "no longer in a relationship" update.

12. The "go team" update

FFS, I don't give a fuck if your team won or lost or that you feel the need to make silly, snide remarks about the opponent's team. It's all so fucking tired. Imagine if aliens landed on a soccer pitch mid-game. They'd take one look around at 50 000 screaming humans, shouting at a handful of blokes on some grass, kicking a ball around. "SDRW$%YYKKYUR%&$%##BBNFT!" is what they'd say and that means: "Fuck, no intelligent life here. In fact, it's fucken backward. Let's bounce. Word to your momma!"

There's many more of these inane updates and we're sickeningly doomed to witness them like a bad car crash. Welcome to Web 2.0 - The most advanced information sharing tool ever conceived by a so-called intelligent species... and yet reduced to "John Pimpleburger just completed the "Which type of pizza are you?" quiz and he's a "Small Mexican with a large Regina".

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