Politicking for Punani

By CATTLEPROD on 10:43 PM

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In the midst of all this politicking, it’s hard not to become blasé about it all. The talking heads on television seem to think they’re telling us what we want to hear, but all we are hearing is blahblahblahblahblah. Now let me draw a parallel for you. Imagine the eternal dance between male and female is a form of electioneering. Consider the fact that you are up for election, alongside every other male on the planet. Luckily this isn’t a global election. Mostly it’s municipal stuff. You compete with the males from your own area.

It’s one woman, one vote, so just pray you get an X next to your name. So let’s take this analogy even further. Imagine what your supporters are hearing from your fellow representatives. Imagine the different parties even. There’s the “Roid Party” with a manifesto that goes along the lines of “if you chicks smaak an ou wif big muscles and can like to wear sleeveless vests everyday, den vote for us, schweet hey, ja, kief.” You get the “Metrosexual” party that goes shopping for hair products along with their support base. Quite an angle I might add, but still it’s just the usual politicking crap.

Put it this way, all the ladies hear is blahblahblahblahblah. So how do you go about electioneering so that hopefully you’ll get a majority vote and be able to latch a superb specimen on your arm? The best way is to be radical. Stick out from the bloody crowd. Stop with the blahblahblahblahblah. This is where most men go wrong. They totally underestimate their voter base. They think they can make all the usual promises and that must be a sure way into her unmentionables. Bollocks dude, better have a rethink. She’s heard it all before. She may have fallen for those empty promises in the beginning, but she’s learnt the hard way. Kinda like saying “Jobs for all”, “Houses for everyone”. It’s the age old Over-promise – Under-deliver. It’s a short term tactic that may bed you some naïve school girls, but who wants to bonk someone that wouldn’t even be able to find her own clitoris? If you truly want to get elected by the elite, then you have to stick out, speak to their needs… and DELIVER.

Once you’ve been elected don’t think you can sit back for the next four years being complacent. Your elective base i.e. you girlfriend, will be very demanding. She will want delivery on all those promises you made during the lead up to the election… and even worse is that you don’t get tenure for four years. You can be deposed at any time. Keep an eye on politics and apply the practice in your relationship. Learn from the best and you’ll have a long and happy reign in the seat of power. Stuff up once and expect public apologies, trial by media and baying for blood.

In the words of Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite: “Vote for me and I’ll make all your dreams come true.” Sounds like kak, but he says it with such humility and sincerity that you actually believe the little guy. Take notes.

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