What the hell happened to men? When did we hand over the reins to the bitches? There I was in adolescence coming to terms with my burgeoning puberty and I was doing what came naturally. You know, trying to get my sweaty mitts on any form of porn whatsoever and jacking off with rabid regularity. Don’t be shocked ladies; the pubescent boy/man is a bundle of surging sex hormones. If the poisons don’t leave the building… well I shudder to think what would happen. So yeah, there you are a teenager and already things are complicated… because prior to this stage you only knew girls as those soft, nice smelling things you caught in kissing catches. Now you actually wanted them! This now brings complications into the man’s life as women are a tad complicated.

Men are simple. Very simple. We like it that way and we would love to keep it that way, but for that nagging urge to want to bump uglies with the complicated sex. Due to this problem, we have to endure countless challenges just for the privilege. One of these challenges is living up to their desires. Once again women complicate things even more by consistently moving the goalposts. I want, I want, I want, they get what they want, but then they don’t want that anymore, they want something else. Fucking frustrating for us simple men.

This leads us to the common definitions of what women want in a man. Once we were simply allowed to plod along happily scratching our nuts, burping, drinking beer and not shaving for days on end. Then suddenly, somehow, women got the upper hand. Their demands became unified. They defined the Renaissance Man – According to the dictionary, a man who has broad intellectual interests and is accomplished in areas of both the arts and the sciences. This type of man is referred to by other men as 'poncy git', but women like him ‘cos he fulfils some Mills & Boonish fantasy about a dude that will take them to art galleries, read them poetry and love them for their minds or some such crap. Once women bored of this new definition they wanted more. So they came up with the Sensitive New Age guy. My absolute fucking worst. Damned hippies. This freak was supposed to cry when Bambi’s mom bit the bullet, cook tofu-based gourmet meals, read their fucking palms and be an expert at tantric sex. That’s sex that takes days and they even teach you how to come without the man custard part. Where’s the fun in that? So much for the money shot!

So the hippie freak then got tossed out as they probably tired of his flatulence from all that organic food and his greasy hair from using shampoo made from Thistlewood and dried pond kelp. Then we got the Spice Girls…“I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. I wanna zig-a-zig-uhhh” they chorused. Apparently in secret lady language that means metrosexual. Posh got her talons into Beckham and transformed the dude into MetroMan! The superhero of all things metrosexual.

What the fuck is that shit? Basically metrosexuality can be summed up in one word… products, especially face and hair products. This new dude is supposed to do all that girly stuff like facials, waxing, plucking, grooming and soap is banned apparently. I thought that last one was pretty cool, but they tell me it’s supposed to be replaced with cleanser, toner and moisturiser.

Does anybody else here read the above and think these flippen chicks are playing dolls with us. “Awww, let’s put some product in his hair” she coos as she strokes her Ken doll’s mop. Fucking Hallmark, Cosmo, romantic comedies, Mills & Boon! They’ve created a monster. Reality? What is that? The girls want play-play time with their dollys.

Of course, play-play time with Ken and his hair products didn’t quite work anymore. Barbie was bored. So she invented the latest one: übersexual, from the German über meaning over or above, hence superior. What is this now? The überdude is a male who is similar to a metrosexual but displays the traditional manly qualities such as confidence, strength, and class - leaving no doubt as to his sexual orientation. For fucksakes, what a load of bollocks.

My advice is to be a retrosexual. Yup another term simply meaning a dude that’s a dude... like we were before labels and products. We were just your average oke. Of course, you won’t be satisfying the female demands and therefore won’t be able to bump uglies with them, but I reckon we take back control. No matter what women want, we can be safe in the knowledge that even a metrosexual, ubersexual, or a new age dork will always live up to that one definition that women get right: All men are bastards. So all you have to do is be “nice” and they’ll love you for it.