She's not that innocent


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Well Britney seems to be up the bloody spout again, so her innocence is down the drain for sure. In fact, any woman whose break-through song involves dressing in a schoolgirl outfit and singing “Hit me baby, one more time” should never have been deemed innocent in the first place.

Heat magazine drivel aside, let’s explore your sexual history. Makes you nervous doesn’t it? Bet you have a number of skeletons (and perhaps 12” Anal Invader dildos) in your sexual closet. When it comes to one’s sexual proclivities and past experiences there is no doubt that revealing the full extent and details to your current interest would make temperatures rise… and not in a good way.

Consider the scene in Four Weddings and a Funeral where Andie McDowell’s character rattles off her list of 33 lovers without breaking a blush, much to Hugh Grant’s foppish jaw-dropping surprise. You see what is at play here is the fuzzying of edges that surrounds sexual history. Women lie about it with skilled understatement and men lie about it with thinly-veiled machismo.

This particular social custom is nicely summed up in American Pie 2.


Stiffler to Kevin: When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you fuckers learn anything in college?


Jessica: If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. OK, so if Kevin is saying it's been three girls it's more like one or none.

Vicky: None?

Jessica: The rule of three. It's an exact science. Consistent as gravity.

So… she’s not that innocent. I’m sure this little fact will have your poor chest-beating maleness raging with the green monster of jealousy. It’s real kak guy, but that’s the way it is. Additionally, when she blinks innocently at you after a particularly raucous session and says she’s never had her hair pulled while being rogered from behind… she’s lying dude. Basically she’s done it six ways from Sunday, and twice on Tuesday, and perhaps the number of people involved would not technically be called a couple… perhaps gang is more accurate. Yup, your innocent little virgin lady is not that innocent. Deal with it.

Women lie for two reasons: Firstly, due to social pressures that still (yes, still) label a sexually experienced and empowered (demanding even) female as a slag. A woman of lax virtue. So she protects her virtue and claims to be an inexperienced girl. Secondly, women know how weak men’s egos are. Mentioning that time she fucked two guys at the same time… and loved it, is not going to make you feel uber-confident is it? You’ll be a terrified, whimpering little wreck. Of course, any girl who blatantly declares this to her new boyfriend is being a tad insensitive, so it’s probably best that you don’t know. If you don’t know, it can’t hurt you.

However, if you are to fully explore the wonderful, juicy sexual landscape that lies before both of you I think that sexual openness is essential. Don’t go blathering on about it. Just be open and honest about things. Jealousy is a tough beast to muzzle, but you must. So, when next you ask your darling a little question about her sexual history, such as: “Babe, have you ever had sex in a public place?” and she replies: “Not really, but the thought excites me”, then times that by three. She’s done it in public, probably been seen doing it in public, and she’s gagging to do it again. Make her dreams come true.

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