You’re pwned and you don’t even know it guy. In true chest-beating fashion, the man will run around fluttering his tail feathers and proclaiming his total awesomeness with the ladies. “I’d hit that!” he confidently claims as a rather fit specimen sashays past him. He’ll even tune his boys how he’d take that back to his crib and bang it harder than a screen door in a hurricane. Of course, the gorgeous specimen has taken zero notice of the little twat and smiles cunningly to herself safe in the knowledge that she owns the pussy, so she makes the rules.

Women are keen deceivers. They have made it an art, whereas man’s attempts at deception seem crude and frankly primitive in comparison. We’re simpler than a two-piece puzzle and women have long ago figured this out. Long before the days of brassiere torching, women had both columns balanced. I must admit it can’t take long to figure us out. I mean, what is the earliest form of commerce know to man? The earliest commodity on this here planet is, of course, punani. They had it, they figured out we wanted it, so they decided to make us flippen pay for it. Wicked clever little angels aren’t they? We’ve been paying ever since - in one way or another - but women’s deception makes us think that we are getting it free. In fact, some of us are so arrogant that we stubbornly believe that we wield magical powers over women that “convince” them to give it up to us. AND despite glaringly obvious facts, many men still have the delusion that men rule the world, and always have. Makes me laugh actually. You’re own3d and you don’t even know it guy.

Listen to this carefully: Women only let you do what they themselves wanted to do in the first place. With the obvious discounting of violent rape or rohypnol-induced rape, women simply let us believe that we have seduced them, when in fact it is the other way round. Apparently they know within the first few minutes of meeting you if they will possibly sleep with you that night or in the future. Whereas, we sit and pray that whatever stupid lines we try on her will work somehow and we’ll get lucky. Notice that men “get lucky”. Women, on the other hand, get laid.

You’re own3d and you don’t even know it guy.

Women let us believe our self-induced delusions of grandeur. Why not? It’s too much trouble trying to explain to some gorilla that he is actually own3d. Let him think he’s winning and he’ll be putty in your hands. Confront him about his ineptitude and he will more than likely act like a gorilla.

But this is, of course, a column dedicated to man’s badass awesomeness, so I’m going to have to cheer the little guys up quickly before they realise their sad own3d existence. What does this mean to the accomplished, more evolved man? Firstly, step away from denial and embrace acceptance. Realise that it’s their turf you’re fighting on - their rules, their game, and their advantage.

To these men, I urge you to read - not Dr. Phil themed books about romantic dating and finding her g-spot (any accomplished, more evolved man should know that stuff anyway) - I urge you to read Sun Tzu’s world-famous book – The Art of War.

I’ll leave you with this:

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.” - Sun Tzu.

It’s tough, if not impossible, to truly know the enemy in this case. Women are more complicated than Zuma’s bank records. But, you now know the game. Don’t hate it, just play.