Daaaar dah dahdah daaaar dahdndahndah, daaar dahndah daaar dah, daaar dah. I was playing air guitar and shouting that after I came up with today’s blog heading. If you hadn’t guessed already, those are (my interpretation of) the opening bars to Dire Straits’ ‘Money for nothing’ off the Brothers in Arms album. Classic I tell ya. Okay, well, ahem. Back to the writing of the column then. But it does lead me in to the phenomenon of groupies. The song laments the fact that these rockers get legions of willing females to engage in all manner of depraved activities and all with no strings attached. Money for nothing and your chicks for free. “Look at them yo-yos”, “Banging on the bongos like a chimpanzee”, “Little faggot with the earring and the makeup”. Exactly… how the hell do they do it? Those poncy poodle rockers with makeup and perms had women creaming their seats, whilst us lowly normal guys had to beg and plead for a fondle, let alone 10-in-the-bed drug-fuelled romps.

The groupie is a special creature. Whereas you might have to fork out large amounts of moulah to an attractive prostitute to fulfill your sexual fantasies, and even then she scolds “But I don’t do greek”, with a groupie you just say: “Bend over and let me hit that ass like a high-hat!” and she obliges willingly and even gratefully. There is not a man amongst us that would deny that the idea of a groupie is not entirely a kak one. Yeah, yeah, pelt me with tampons, but I’m just being honest. Men have come a long way since our cavemen days. Do I hear a collective “Pfffft!” from the female readers? In those days our trusty club would secure us a mating partner with a soft thud on her cranium and that’s just the way it was. Why I say we have evolved is that men actually derive an enormous amount of pleasure out of the fact that the woman actually wants to sleep with us. Not just that, but she is willing and takes pleasure in the activity herself. That is what turns us evolved men on.

Now groupies give men all of that and more. They are certainly willing. They will do anything your testosterone-crazed brain wants to do. They will even boast about it afterwards, even if you were the worst shag of her life. The groupie relationship works for men, because it strokes our fragile egos. Perhaps, in a world that is actually run by women, we get that little taste of what it was like to have the power…. Way back when.

Chicks for free. That’s an interesting line right there. It implies that chicks are not free… and they aren’t. Engaging in a sexual relationship with a woman costs. Before you bust an ovary, hear me out. I’m not talking cash here, although that is one way to do it. What I’m talking about is a reciprocal arrangement. It costs time, effort, emotion, caring, and love. If a man is not willing or able to put that in, then he won’t get much out. I’m not saying that men invest for sex… er… but suddenly that there looks like it could have some truth in it. I don’t know, go and blaze a blunt with an anthropology student and get back to me after you talk that through.

What the hell am I getting at? Sorry, I don’t plan this shyte before it comes out I kinda just go with the bowl-splattering flow. Spontaneous prose is what Jack Kerouac liked to call it, but now I’ve just gone and befuddled you even more. Let’s get this straight: Groupies offer men a purely physical form of no strings attached sex that meets their immediate sexual needs and fantasies. Is it a healthy relationship? Well sexually, for the guy, yes. For the girl, I’d hazard to guess no, but she perceives that she is getting something out of it that is worth the sex. Is it a meaningful relationship? A resounding No. It all boils down to the whole alpha-male thing really. These girls simply perceive these dudes as being alpha-males, which means they wanna bonk them stukkend, because alpha-males can supply a better start for their off-spring. Although Jack and Kelly Osbourne are certainly proponents for a counter argument.

So we haven’t come far then have we? At the end of the day it is just: “banging on the bongos like a chimpanzee”.